Monday, January 4, 2010

"Crazy Plane"

Jason and I made the long trip back to Hawaii on December 30th.  My original plan was to leave on the 29th, but I was feeling terrible!  I somehow managed to acquire a chest cold for Christmas.  Not my favorite gift this year.  I pushed my flight until the 30th and tried to recover.  Jason and I had to travel separately, due to the original Army travel plans.  But that was ok...we both had super long days ahead of us.
My total travel time with layovers was around 18 hours and Jason's ended up being the same due to two different delays. 
We neither experienced any difference in security or weather issues, thankfully.  Although I did come into contact with the "Craziest Lady Ever".  I don't know where to start.  First of all, she STOLE my lovely aisle seat on the plane...and the stewardess didn't want to make her move, due to her not feeling well.  Give me a break!  She didn't feel well because she had a middle seat!  So, the lady is talking nonsense and is most likely drinking rather heavily for that early in the day.  So, I obediently moved to the row in front of "Craziest Lady Ever"...which turned out to be a great seat.  I was in the middle of two very quiet people and we had the endless leg room.  But as we flew the friendly skies, I could hear "Craziest Lady Ever" having the strangest conversations with herself and the guys seated next to hear.  Their names were Chris and Frankie, but she referred to them both as "Bo-Bo"...she had the lovely name of Grace, but asked to be referred to as "Mommy".  I tried to tune out specifics of the conversation, but sometimes it was really hard for me.
Like the story about her being in a hotel bar in sweatpants and losing 4 hours of time.  She assumes that someone slipped her something and she made it clear that she had on sweatpants. ????
Well, we were about an hour from Phoenix, when "Mommy" stood up to let the "Bo-Bo's" out to pee.  Yes, they both went at the same time and no, they weren't together.  They didn't even know one another until this was just a ploy for them both to escape the "Craziest Lady Ever".
When she stood up, she saw me...great!  She then leaned over the seat, grasped my head in both hands and laid her face upon mine.  She started rubbing all over my head and for a moment, I thought she was going to snap my neck.  I was kind of afraid to say anything or make a scene because she is obviously off of her rocker.  So, I sat there and listened to her while she told me what a lovely lady I was for giving her my seat.  Give, I did not do!  She stole it from me.  As she rubbed my head, she told me how she loves everyone and she wishes that she didn't have to suffer...she named several afflictions during this time.  I tried to react and tell her that I didn't care about the seat and I hope she started feeling better and she "SHHH'd" me.  She told me to be quiet while she prayed (preyed)  upon me.  And then she did just that...she prayed.  Loud and long, all the while, holding my head.  And then she started crying.  I noticed the lady next to me was getting showered with tears and I could tell she was uncomfortable...but she never flinched.  Finally, after about 5 minutes of head rubbing, praying, and crying,  "Craziest Lady Ever" decided to take a stroll, er, stumble to First Class!  Some nerve...but she should be familiar with First Class because she had been in there about 5 times during this trip.  When she disappeared, the "Bo-Bo's" returned and both said "Do you know that lady"?  Uh, no...I just "gave" her my seat.  To which they replied, "Well, Merry Christmas to us!"
And then, the lady next to me, who had just received a shower of tears, took off her headphones and asked if I was ok.  She had left her headphones on, but with the music turned off as a way to eavesdrop on us.  She said that she more or less wanted to witness what was happening and be ready in case I needed her!  Thank goodness for this lady.  She had my back!
So, as the seatbelt light came on, "Mommy" returned to her seat very quietly.  We landed and I took a deep breath.  As we started to deboard, the stewardess asked us to remain in our seats due to a few people needing to make a quick connection.  That didn't stop "Mommy"...she stood up, grabbed her stuff, and said "Come on Bo-Bo, follow me!".  And no one stopped her, she was thankfully, gone in a flash.
And as I walked pass the cockpit, I heard the flight attendants discussing how "Craziest Lady Ever" kept coming into First Class to kiss someone's baby!
Thankfully, my next flight was quiet and relaxing.  I got home, unpacked, went back to the airport for Jason, and finally fell face first into bed.  I didn't open my eyes for 12 lovely hours and when I woke up, that crazy lady was in the far reaches of my memory and far away from Hawaii.  Look out Phoenix!


Allyson said...

Bwahahahaha!!! This is only SLIGHTLY better than snakes on a plane. Slightly. If it did not happen to you, whom I know to be a totally honest and trustworthy person, I would say that this was a dramatization of events. But you say it is so and so there MUST be that kind of crazy out there. I have no idea how you kept your cool. I hope her final destination wasn't Phoenix because that's where we're headed in a few weeks and I definitely don't want to run into her at Starbucks! Oh heavens...

Cindy S. said...

I was seriously cracking up reading your post. That is HILARIOUS!! You were a good sport....I think I would've lost it when she started rubbing my head. LOLOL!

Allyson said...

What's your reward for surviving that flight? An award on my blog. :D Come n get it...